Well…. with Anton having only one working arm at the moment, our very own Kathy Campanelli has written up our GLAM results!
Hey there, friends! We sure as hell had a blast at GLAM – Target Acquired: The Remake! It was a jam-packed, tilt-a-whirl of GLAMpionship Tournament fun, and I’m here to tell you all about it.
Anton and Kathy opened the show by accompanying Oinga Boinga on a rousing rendition of “Kayfabe.” They then proceeded to inform all of the Happy GLAMpers at the Oakland Metro Operahouse that the Tournament matchups would be picked by random draw.
Suddenly, Killer Bae Heather Monroe storms into the ring, maintaining the significance of her position as holder of the Sun & Moon Keys. Once Anton informs her that the Keys aren’t the same as holding the prized GLAMpionship Title, Heather quickly shifts gears. She tosses the Keys heavens-knows-where (not like they are the only thing protecting all of Earth’s humanity from the disturbing wonders that lie beyond the Sun & Moon Door or anything) and enters herself into the Tournament. The Killer Bae is set to face Ultragirl Brittany Wonder in this first round tournament match. Suplexes, strikes, Butts of Doom, and deadly blows are exchanged between the two competitors. For a moment it seems like anyone’s game, but Heather hits her Bad Bitchinoku for the win and advances to the next round.
The second match of the evening features Hoodslam original and fan-favorite Dark Sheik against GLAM newcomer Crazy Hot Morgan. It’s clear that the prestige of the GLAMpionship Title has brought fresh competition to GLAM from far and wide. Crazy Hot Morgan makes her way to GLAM from Arizona to show her stuff against CAUTION’s Dark Sheik. Despite her powerhouse moves and impressive strength, Crazy Hot Morgan is no match for the speed and agility of Dark Sheik. Dark Sheik wins the match and moves forward in the GLAMpionship Tournament.
A battered, bandaged Plus Size Model Thicc Martel makes his way to the ring to address the crowd. He tells the GLAMpers in attendance that he blew both of his quads in a recent match, but still plans to compete tonight. His opponent is none other than Sin City’s own Female with Attitude — Mazzerati. The first round tournament match begins with the sly, cunning Mazzerati targeting the weakened legs of Thicc. The Female with Attitude backs up her shit-talk with plenty of force and brutality. Thicc manages to lock in the Boston Market submission on Mazzerati, but it’s not enough for her to call it quits. The match ends with the arrogant Mazzerati standing victorious over the beaten-down Thicc Martel.
Our next match features the villainous Vipress, who is crabbier than usual after a rough go of it at her last GLAM appearance. For those who haven’t been following along, let me break it down for you. Tia Mott, an eerie entity who emerged from beyond the Sun & Moon Door, bestowed otherworldly powers upon Vipress. During her last match at GLAM, Vipress’ powers were drained via syringe by Undead Medical Professional Nurse Ratchet. Everyone caught up? Good? Good. Back to the tournament! Social media darling and influencer extraordinaire Saint Synclair. This Life Coach to the Stars is just who Vipress needs in her corner during this GLAMpionship Tournament match. Her opponent is chosen at random and soon we hear the echoing squawks of Da Squaaad. Hip Hop Harry and D-Rogue stand at ringside to support Da Squaaad Enforcer, Disgraced Pop Star Shakira Spears. Missteps between Hip Hop Harry and D-Rogue result in Shakira losing the match. Vipress celebrates the win alongside her new confidante Saint Synclair.
As the evening continues, things take a turn for the mystical at the Oakland Metro. The unearthly Tia Mott slithers her way to the ring, returning after months away. Suddenly, D-Rogue appears on stage and is making his way to the Sun & Moon Door with a full head of steam … and the keys that Heather Monroe cast aside at the open of the show! Darkness falls on the crowd as D-Rogue turns the Sun & Moon Keys, opening the magical portal to wherever-the-hell, and out comes Lady K. After fulfilling her destiny of passing through the Sun & Moon Door, Lady K was locked out of our realm and trapped on the other side of the dimension by Heather Monroe. The Lady K who emerges from the Sun & Moon Door bears an eyepatch, curved horns, and battlescars from her journeys across space and time. She tangles up with Tia Mott in a test of not only strength, but enchanting abilities. The two women wield spells and telekenetic abilities against one another until Ref Wiggles removes their magical talismans, rendering them powerless. After a hard-fought battle of spellbinding action, Lady K takes the victory and advances in the GLAMpionship Tournament.
In our next match, Side Pony Homie Fidel Bravo takes on America’s Sweet Tart Aleyah Mia Garcia. The two competitors move at lightning speed, careening off the ropes with deadly precision. One might wonder if Fidel Bravo underestimated his opponent. Aleyah Mia Garcia certainly brought he fight in this one. An impressive Judea Star from Aleyah lays out Fidel, knocking the side pony right out of his hair. The GLAMpers go wild as Aleyah picks up this huge win to advance in the tournament.
Earlier in the night, we saw some trouble in paradise with some dissension among Da Squaaad. Their music plays as Hip Hop Harry enters the ring to compete in the tournament. Then, much to everyone’s surprise, Da Squaaad’s music sounds once more, bringing D-Rogue into the match. Random draw, my friends! The two tussle within the squared circle as The Enforcer of Da Squad Shakira Spears looks on with concern. With so much tension between the two teammates and a shot at the GLAMpionship Title hanging in the balance, we’re left to contemplate the status of Da Squad. The match ends with D-Rogue standing victorious. In the aftermath, it appears that D-Rogue and Hip Hop Harry have settled their differences in the ring. All is well within Da Squaaad.
Our eighth match of the night pits Undead Medical Professional Nurse Ratchet against another GLAM debut from Arizona, Desert Spirit Bryn Thorne. The young Bryn is absolutely rattled by Ratchet (which, to be fair, is a pretty common response), having never seen the likes of her in her blossoming career. Bryn opts for formalities, offering to dance with Ratchet and even planting a smooch on the Undead Medical Professional’s icy cold zombified hand. Bryn put up one hell of a fight, but ended up overpowered by the intimidating style and disturbing demeanor of Nurse Ratchet. Nurse Ratchet advances to the next round of the GLAMpionship Tournament.
With only two matches left in the evening, Simone Sheri takes on Leslie Iris and boy do they deliver! The crowd is energized by the two heavy hitters — Leslie, a second-generation luchadora and Simone, who has a pugilist background. The two competitors throw everything that they have at one another with the goal of taking one step closer to the coveted GLAMpionship Title. Leslie demolishes Simone with Les-Factor in the center of the ring, but Simone gets a shoulder up ahead of Referee Nuk Nuk Johnson’s count. The match ends with a gravity-defying Frog Splash from Simone that leaves Leslie out for the count. The Double S Finesse moves on to continue her path to the GLAMpionship Title.
The final match of the evening sees Hellbent Vixen Viva Van against the debuting Gia Roman. Viva smolders with focused energy, her sights set on advancing in the tournament. Gia lays in strong strikes against Viva, laying her out for a moment with a big dropkick, but there’s too much fight within the Hellbent Vixen. Viva refuses to stay down and answers back with boundless intensity. Viva hooks Gia over the ropes for a crippling Tarantula, torturing her opponent. In the end, a debilitating submission hold from the Hellbent Vixen forces Gia to tap out. Viva Van’s journey in the GLAMpionship Tournament continues.
Whew! With heads still spinning from all of the excitement and 10 MATCHES of GLAM madness, Anton and Kathy bid farewell to the GLAMpers. They remind everyone in the crowd that “we are Guilty Lethal Action Mayhem. We are GLAM!” The next rounds of the tournament will take place Friday, December 13th, at the Oakland Metro Operahouse. Until next time, friends!
