Category Archives: News

LIGHTS ON FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE RAVENS RULES MATCH, OCT3rd

SHELLY MARTINEZ VS. BRITTANY WONDER

No cheesy pun in the header for this one, the name speaks for itself. On August 23rd in San Francisco, Brittany Wonder was able to defeat Shelly Martinez in a physical match that sprawled across the Z Space, leaving many a splat from a suplex on the concrete floor.

At the September 5th event back in Oakland, Shelly, who has Shelly Martinez’s Funpage, welcomed Brittany to the ring, and in the spirit of friendly competition, asked for a rematch. Again, they fought across another building, including battling upon the bar at the Oakland Metro Operahouse. Shelly won this time, although it was clearly with the help of unsportswomanlike conduct. (I’m told she spit period blood in her face, but only Jesus knows)

The rubber match has been booked, but Shelly Martinez requested a single caveat: that it be Falls Count Anywhere in the building. That means on the floor. On the bar. On the fans. In the bathroom. In the smoking section. On the hotdog truck. ANYWHERE you can get your opponents shoulders down for three seconds, it counts. So we’re turning the fucking lights on. RAVENS RULES!

30(?) Entity Over the Top Rope Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications, OCT 3rd

– We learned from past FTF events that sometimes our host isn’t gracious. They don’t include everyone. They only want revenge or think of themselves. So we think of the children. Not kids, because dontbringyourfnkids – I mean Gods children. Which is us, the rest of us, who don’t have matches. So we have one big match. In fact, it is annually the biggest match in all of the Hoodslam season.

The Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications goes like this: two unlucky souls walk to the ring. Every minute or two, another entrant comes to the ring. This goes on for like 30 people. A contestant is eliminated from the match when they are thrown over the ring ropes and both feet touch the floor. Last year, no fans died. Hopefully they remember to get the f out of the way this year too.

The winner is promised a shot at the Golden Gig at our next event. Literally anyone on the roster can be catapulted into an opportunity to fight for our most prestigious award. Those at the top of the mountain will be swiftly brushed aside, effectively boned. Ask not why the bone bones, the bone bones for thee.

October 3rd, 2014 doors 8:30, show 9pm
630 3rd Street, Oakland Metro Operahouse
$10 cover, 21&up, dontbringyourfnkids
birdswillfall.com – social media, we’re @Hoodslam

Battle for BEST ATHLETE IN THE BAY, as decreed by sir Brosepheth, OCT 3rd

Scorpion FTF VS Cereal Man


The Best Athlete in the Bay is FONG, one half of the generally repugnant Team Game Over. The self proclaimed Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer (who moves like a dancer) has been boycotting Hoodslam since he revealed someone had stolen his Golden Fannypack – the item awarded to the Best Athlete in the Bay as representation of his physical acumen. Broseph Joe Brody, aware of his upcoming sovereignty, announced that whomever two could outlast all others in a gauntlet would fight for the prize at FTF V. Your winners are apparent, but what exactly is happening, and its legality under Hoodslam legislature, is unclear: will they fight each other to fight FONG? Will Broseph allow FONG to be in the match? If FONG continues his boycott, does that make the winner the defacto Best Athlete? I dunno, but I’d hate to be the guy responsible for that decision…

October 3rd, 2014 doors 8:30, show 9pm
630 3rd Street, Oakland Metro Operahouse
$10 cover, 21&up, dontbringyourfnkids
birdswillfall.com – social media, we’re @Hoodslam

Hoodslam Youtube Channel

HEY YO…its survey time! In an attempt to bring you the best content ever EVER, we’d like to know what yall want from YOUR Hoodslam youtube channel. Are you enjoying kaboom of the weeks? Want more highlight reels or full matches? Do you miss the old full course episodes or do you enjoy the more recent easier to digest snacks we’ve been throwing out? What more would you like to see?

Furthermore, we’d like to start doing something new: do you have any burning questions about the life of a female wrestler? Maybe about being a twin? Perhaps you want to know what a coked up rabbit man has for breakfast? If so, youre in luck! You’ll soon be granted an opportunity to anonymously submit questions for some poor Hoodslammer.

But before we get to questions, we got pick our muse. So along with your awesome comments about http://www.youtube.com/hoodslam Hoodslam channel tell us who you wanna hear from!

And subscribe!

 

Fuck You Bro, and Fuck the Fans!

Dear Hoodslam fans,

Fuck you, bro. Seriously. You wanna hate on ME? For what? My taste in awesome music (LONG LIVE Nickelback)? My taste in AXE scents? The fact that I have to fight the pussy off with a stick night after night? The fact that I banged some big-tittied stripper bitch on a nationally-televised reality TV show? You hella jella.

I dare you to hate on me in person. I. Fucking. Dare you.

Bring the hate to the Oakland Metro Operahouse on Friday, October 3 for Hoodslam’s biggest show of the fall, Fuck the Fans V. I am going to crush-fuck every last one of you into oblivion. And it will be #BROeticJustice.

Fuck the fans. Fuck your day. And fuck you, too. BRO!!!

Your BROliness,

– BJB

Broseph gets this reaction everywhere he goes.

Admit it, you hate his success. (This is not porn.)

El Flaco Loco VS Doc Atrocity for the control of Hoodslam

Doc Atrocity is high on a steroid concoction of power ever since defeating El Flaco Loco and taking control of Hoodslam. His plan is to annihilate the multiverse- starting with destroying Oakland!

Back in February an election was held to determine the Mayor of Hoodslam between El Flaco Loco, Doc Atrocity and our sometimes announcer. El Flaco Loco, Norcal wrestling legend and part time Hoodslam commentator delivered an impassioned speech that whipped the hundreds in attendance into a frenzy, and was shortly after named the official winner of the Mayor of Hoodslam election! This would not last long as they would challenge again for in a “Loser Leaves Hoodslam for 90 days” match at Entertania, with Doc Atrocity winning after pouring zombie sauce into the eyes of El Flaco Loco.

With no one to stop him, Doc Atrocity would crave more power- by declaring himself also in control of Oakland, San Francisco and the rest of the world. Broseph Brody was finally disgusted by his actions when Doc interrupted his birthday party and beat him in a match to continue the celebration.

Upset by his loss, Doc Atrocity tried to exact revenge last month by interrupting the show and assaulting Broseph along with his sideshow freaks, beating him into a pile of glitter. In a surprising return, El Flaco Loco entered for the save and cleared the ring of the sideshow freaks- claiming that he is the original Mayor of Hoodslam! Now they will meet again Oct 3rd at BROetic Justice to settle who is the one true Mayor! FTF!

Hoodslam presents Fuck the Fans V: BROetic Justice • Friday, October 3 • Oakland Metro Operahouse (630 Third Street in Oakland, CA) • 8:30pm • $10 at the door • 21 and over • Full bar • Live music from The Hoodslam Band • DON’T BRING YOUR FUCKING KIDS!

Cheap Popcast goes Hoodslam

Check out the latest episode of the Cheap Popcast as they declare Hoodslam to be a true indi promotion and the equal of  any other wrestling promotion in the world!

Download the episode here! Hoodslam praise starts @ 1:20.

 

Find out what all of social media is talking about on Oct. 3rd, for FTF V: BROetic Justice

October 3rd, 2014 doors 8:30, show 9pm
630 3rd Street, Oakland Metro Operahouse
$10 cover, 21&up, dontbringyourfnkids