A long time ago, on a night not unlike this, Hoodslam was a humble little party in an Oakland Warehouse, free to anyone with an adventurous spirit. Except fucking kids. Anyway, Juice Lee – who currently is mending a broken arm thanks to the Caution (CAUTION) – saw himself defending Hoodslam from invaders in the first annual HoodFigher Tournament. Here is his first round mystery opponent. [Oops, spoiler!]

(Not every title is poetry) – A throwback to 2012, on this mighty solstice we offer to you this treat: Zangev and Blanka take on Bat-Shelly Martinez and Super Gal Amber O Neal! Also, featuring Danielle Martinez, Kevin Gill and Broseph J on commentary, and Cammy and Cammy’s ass (who may still have a Facebook page, who can keep up?[you]).

Miss all the action from first friday? Too Frugal for our 1.99 Hoodslammery YouTube channel with all our full events? Do you do it all and JUST WANT MORE? Lucky all of you, here’s the pill version of our whole tournament for easy consumption. Thanks, Mark Johnston, for your tireless slow motion labor.

Tomorrow is the big day! One of the oldest traditions in Hoodslam lore, winners since 2010 include: Juice Lee, Ryu, Virgil Flynn III, Batmanuel, Link (now known as the Baron of Butt stuff Anton Voorhees), and current Golden Gig Champion PONG!  All have gone on to Championship glory – with the exception of the dark noche Batmanuel, who had his arm broken by the CAUTION last July after becoming number one contender to the Golden Gig.

Nurse Ratchet: Not much is known of Nurse Ratchet. This haunting character doesn’t speak, and barely communicates. However, we are aware that when she pulls out her set of Nurse tools that shit gets ugly. Also clear is that she doesn’t feel pain like normal people.  Her disadvantages are that she doesn’t seem technically sound, and is easily distracted. At times it appears she’s not even aware a match is going on. Nor, though, does she appear to fatigue, a clear advantage when potentially fighting three opponents.  That, and she’s creepy as shit.

Joey Ryan: The King of Dong Style, bringing sleazy back to wrestling, it’s the Hoodslam return of Joey Ryan! This international superstar made waves in the wrestling world all the way to SportsCenter when he debuted his “U-Porn Plex” in Japan last year. After suplexing a dude with the strength of his own penis people really started paying attention. Underneath the baby oil and beyond the blow pops is a carefully hidden fighter who capitalizes on opportunities and is tougher than he wants his opponents to think. Generally an Intergender fighter, he’ll have to break from tradition and beat another man somewhere if he wants to win all three matches.

Participants have traveled from across the globe – and from beyond – to perform in the HoodFigher Tournament since 2010.  The inaugural champion was Juice Lee, defeating Santa, Sagat, Guile and surprise final entrant Sheng Long to have the chance of calling himself first ever Tournament Champion.

Drugz Bunny: The rabbit with a habit, from a left turn at Albuquerque, Drugz Bunny! Fan favorite of Oakland, the nation and the stars; the Bunny Club grows at a staggering rare! After spending 17 months as Golden Gig Champion, he finally relinquished the title under dubious circumstances after being pinned by 3 opponents at once last August. In October, he drew number one in the 30 Entity Rumble for the Gig, and almost won it nonetheless. Now back in the hunt, Drugz aims to prove he’s still the dominant force in Hoodslam by defeating 3 opponents in one night.

Brian Cage: Known as “The Machine” around the globe, Cage is the destroyer of Legends. Tearing through the likes of Alberto Del Rio, Rey Mysterio Jr and pretty much any indy internet darling you can think of, Cage is as imposing as they come.  He’s toured everywhere, been everywhere, worked everywhere BUT he’s no Hoodslam and wagon jumper, nor are we late for the Cage train; he’s CA family, and even performed at Hoodslam 2 at the Victory Warehouse in 2010.  No stranger to our strange land, Brian Cage looks to continue his complete dominance of wrestling by winning the accolade of Tournament Champion, all the while dazzling the crowd by living up to his mantra “GMSI” – “get my shit in”.

We reported on her entry in the tournament earlier, and immediately were sent this documentary style footage of New U members Brutal Rob Hands and Shotzi Blackheart training for the upcoming tournament this Friday. Things have taken a turn for the odd…

The yearly tradition is this Friday! Who will survive three grueling contests in one night to achieve victory? Whoever it is, they earn bragging rights for the year AND a shot at the Best Athlete in the East Bay Golden Fanny Packs Awards at first friday in January!

Zangev: Unlike the spelling of his name, none can deny the ultimate muscle power of the Soviet bear wrestling street fighter.  His piledriver is one of the most devastating maneuvers in the Hoodslam locker room, and he’s used it in Oakland since 2012 to achieve numerous victories. At multiple times he was within grasp of the Golden Gig, but to no avail. Lately, he has felt the cold shoulder from both his Street Fighter compatriots and Hoodslam originals. The Russian Lover is the most experienced of our 8 HoodFigher Tournament participants in Tournament battle.

Shotzi Blackheart: member of New U with brutal Rob Hands and their Coach, Coach Joey Nuggs. She made her wrestling debut in this tournament two years ago, making it to the semi finals. She also won the Kayfabe Memorial Tournament in April 2015, but never cashed in the trophy due to internal strife with her former squad, Stoner U.  We’d like to say she’s more focused now, but after being bitten by Intergalactic Ambassador Drucilla’s space kitty at Novembers Walking Phoenix event, she’s been…less than focused.

This Friday is the annual tradition, and the tournaments opening round will be announced a match a day this week! The winner will be the SEVENTH Tournament Champion, and receive an opportunity at the Best Athlete in the East Bay Golden Fanny Packs at January First Friday!

Cereal Man : A visitor on our planet for almost two years now, this Super Hero and champion of balanced breakfast has learned a lot in his stay!  After being betrayed and beaten by Brittany Wonder multiple times, Cereal MAN finally found his fire and was able to defeat his former (?)crush/nemesis.  Last year he went to the finals vs PONG, could the momentum from his recent feud carry him all the way in 2016?

Sinn Bodhi:  Taking the trip from Freakshow Wrestling in Las Vegas to Hoodslam in Oakland, this killer clown is sure to make a lasting impression on newcomers.  The Warlord of Weird, Sinn Bodhi is no stranger to Hoodslam circles. He’s no stranger to any circle; you name it, he’s been there and done that.  Outwardly chaotic, internally disturbed, his experience and unique application of knowledge have kept him sharply on the keen edge of brilliance and insanity. There is no fear in his psyche, only the perpetually spinning cogs of a sado masochistic mental monster machine.