So yeah, this is back. Some asked, not many. Who cares. I wasn’t lazy or anything, truth was I just didn’t have shit to say. Who wants to hear me just confirm that Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 is awesome? No fuckin’ one…and really, you just heard that. So it’s true. Here it goes, I’m doing this movie because basically…I have to. It’s the Holy Grail of B movies. Let’s give you some insight…

There once was a man named Tommy Wiseau. He’s an actor who has been in one movie…this one. And guess what, he’s the star of the movie. Kind of weird right? Straight to the top. Who would cast him in the lead role? Well…himself. Yeah. So Tommy Wiseau directed, produced, wrote and stars in The Room. Basically, this movie is his baby, and he’s gonna show it the proper fuckin’ respect. Let’s do this shit.

The movie is set in San Francisco, and it follows a guy named Johnny (fuck yeah). Johnny works at a bank and is dating Lisa. There’s this weird ass kid named Denny that lives in the same apartment complex as them. Denny is creepy. Johnny buys Lisa a fuckin’ dress and they go up to the bedroom to fuck, but Denny comes in because “I just like to watch you guys” (?!). Johnny tells him to take a fuckin’ powder and then him and Lisa screw…this is like 3 minutes into the movie. Great pace we are setting. Anyways, after about 5 minutes of one of the most awkward sex scenes ever, it ends…Lisa looks like she has a giant mole on her back (it’s a rose petal, but you’ll think it’s a mole) and we get to see Johnny’s ass crack (the fans demanded it). The next morning, Lisa tells her mother that she doesn’t love Johnny anymore. What the hell…they seemed pretty happy. Lisa’s mom nags and complains about being tired and blah blah blah, she has breast cancer. Who cares, they relive this scene like 5 more fuckin’ times. Lisa calls up Mark, Johnny’s best friend, and he comes by. She tries to seduce him, he acts like he can’t tell what’s happening, and….well they fuck. We’re 10 minutes into this thing, and Lisa’s already been banged twice. I’m gonna press the ENTER button twice or this whole review is gonna be one long ass paragraph.

After work, Johnny goes to the flower store and has…one of the weirdest dialogues ever seen in a movie. Fuck you, I ain’t typing it, but I’ll copy paste this shit

Johnny: [walks into flower shop] Hi.
Flower Shop Clerk: Can I help you?
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Flower Shop Clerk: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.
[grabs bouquet of roses] Flower Shop Clerk: Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me. How much is it?
Flower Shop Clerk: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: [hands over cash] Here you go. Keep the change.
[grabs flowers and pats dog on the counter] Johnny: Hi, doggy.
Flower Shop Clerk: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye!
Flower Shop Clerk: Buh-bye!

Hi doggy! The dog is bad ass. And the random “That’s me.” Is head scratching. But who cares? If you’re watching this shit, you’ve already given up on caring anyways. Either that, or someone is playing a prank on you. (me) So yeah, Johnny goes home and…you know what, fuck it. I already opened a page with quotes…

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
[pause] Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

Uh…..duh. She’s really rubbing salt on the wound there. It’s like…

“Hey man, you hook up with that chick last night?”
“Nah…”
“You didn’t get it did you?”
FML.

Anyways, Lisa orders a pizza and decides to get drunk with Johnny, even though Johnny doesn’t drink (it seriously pained me to type “Johnny doesn’t drink”). Here’s a funny thing I noticed. She orders pizza delivery, the pizza isn’t there when Johnny gets home. When he gets home, she suggests drinking. She talks him into it. She goes into the kitchen to get drinks, and when she comes back…the fuckin’ pizza is there. Well done movie. Maybe it’s a metaphor for something. Anyways, they get drunk, and they fuck…again. I swear, if Lisa had a dick coming out of her for every dick put in her she’s gonna look like a porcupine by the end of the movie. Oh yeah, we’re like 22 minutes in, third fuck scene. Oh yeah, it sucks. I think it’s the same footage recycled from the last scene. I’d confirm that, but I don’t want to see Tommy Wiseau’s ass again that badly.

Next moring, I think (fuck this shit, I’m doing it by memory, and I’m always drunk when I watch this movie….and type about it), Lisa tells her mom that “Johnny got drunk last night, and he hit me.” to which she replies “Johnny doesn’t drink!” (pained me again to type that). I really like that the mom no sells her daughter telling her that Johnny beats her. Good stuff. Anyways, Lisa fucks Mark, like….10 more times thoughout the movie, each time, he acts just as surprised about it as he did the first time, which makes me think she’s been cheating on Johnny with Mark even before the movie starts, because he’s always surprised by what’s happening. The first time we saw it could have been the 50th time. Johnny get’s mad, and then shoots himself in the head and the movie ends. Yeah, I just summed up the last 75 minutes of the movie in 3 sentences. Who cares?

Here’s the thing. This shit is so fuckin’ bad that it’s honestly one of my favorite movies of all time. Seriously. And it’s basically all Tommy Wiseau. He created this whole thing. He wrote the script and everything, and oh, by the way. His acting…HOLY CRAP. He’s so bad that it’s…it’s indescribable. It’s bad, yet you can kinda feel that Johnny, and really Tommy Wiseau is generally a good person. There’s lots of goofiness, the football playing while they are standing like 3 feet apart. The chicken noises are legendary WTF material. Classic gems such as this…

Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client and the bank will make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you; it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?

?!!? The client at the bank is far too secret information to share, but uh….what ya been doing with your wiener dude? And oh yeah, Mark doesn’t act like it’s weird at all. He’s just kinda like… “Meh, not bad.” even though he’s banging out Johnny’s fiancee. It’s a movie that’ll make you go HUH?! quite a few times. It’s funny stuff, and really the only dull parts are the shitty sex scenes, but even those have comedy if you don’t mind staring at Tommy ass. Half the time Johnny is fucking Lisa’s stomach. To be honest, I’d say watch this shit. If anything so you can atleast feel the torture that I have. If you’re expecting fuckin’ Casablanca…well for one you’re an idiot, but also you are going to be let down. But if you like BAD movies, this is one of the best. And big screen viewings of this movie happen all the time, kind of like a Rocky Horror type thing. It’s a cult classic, so check it out. You’ll either love it or hate it. Yeah, it’s hard to find. You won’t find it on Netflix, OnDemand or on the shelf at like…Walmart or some shit….”So how do I watch it Drinko?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp6g11A36xA

You’re welcome.

The Era is over…I defeated Mega Man…he’s gone home to be a Mega Man. Apparently I was never dating Cammy, which is fine with me. Thought I banged her though…meh, no big deal. Besides, last year I hooked up with a chick that basically looked just like her. I’m drinking a lot of Sailor Jerry lately, training for another run at the GIG. I don’t have a title shot or nothing booked, but I was the first Hoodslam champ, which basically entitles me to unlimited title matches. Plus I know how to politic. But that’s not what we are here to talk about. Lets get to business.

Holy shit. I’ve wanted this movie for ages. I’ve always been told it sucked, and had only really seen it as a kid. At the time, holy crap, it’s a WWF Movie…that didn’t happen. Hulk Hogan plays Rip…the WWF Champion. Why he wasn’t just Hulk Hogan…I don’t know. Jesse Ventura and Mean Gene Okerlund are in the movie as themselves. Basically Rip is exactly like Hulk Hogan, but with a shittier finisher. The dude that was Rob Lowe’s sidekick in Wayne’s World wants to sign Rip to a contract so he will be exclusive to his network. Why? I don’t know. Because the World Televison Network doesn’t have a wrestling or fighting program on it’s station for Rip to work on. I think it’s because Wayne’s World’s network really needs a Jockass (not a typo) like Rip to…I don’t know, do commercials or something. Rip says no, shoves the contract down Wayne’s World’s throat because he doesn’t want to get fuckin’ signed and then leaves, but not before getting his signature taunt in for the hard cam (seriously, he’s getting his gimmick over in an office building in front of NO ONE except for the camera that he shouldn’t know is there).

Awesome. Next is the famous dookie scene…where a guy shits his pants out of fear of Hogan and the camera catches a great shot of his soaked pants…great. I’ll get an email if I don’t atleast mention that part…not much else to say

So Wayne’s World can’t sign Rip, so he and his underlings go to a dive bar that has live fights. Stan Hansen makes an appearence. He’s one of the guys fighting in the bar, and actually does quite well in his small role, beating people up and making fun of guys for having small wieners. Seeing all the carnage, Wayne’s World’s get the idea that maybe he could put this battle of tough guys on his network, and it would get great ratings. All he would need is a creative name for the show. He names it The Battle of the Tough Guys…great name. Anyways, the show goes on TV and the tough guys fight. A new fighter shows up and destroys everyone. We find out that his name is Zeus, and he is declared the winner of the show, despite the fact that he wasn’t even booked.

Hulk Hogan is in this movie…figured I’d say that because you literally don’t see him for like 30 straight minutes. I don’t even think he’s mentioned. Weird…I think its because he was busy fighting crime in restaurants. Yes…he stops a robbery in a restaurant. The WWF WORLD CHAMPION beats the crap out of ARMED GUNMEN in PUBLIC…think about that. What if someone broke into your house and demanded money, while sticking a gun in your face, but then CM Punk busted down your door, hit them with pies and saved the day. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. By the way, Hogan TRASHES the restaurant while beating up these guys, undoubtly costing the restaurant more money than was likely in the register. He even gets his gimmick over again for the hard cam…

So the lady he’s with is…oh wait…I didn’t mention her? Not important. They share a room, you know Rip is gonna bang her the moment she appears on screen. Whatever. For some reason Hogan walks around wearing bright as shit orange shorts and a tank top that were unacceptable even by 80′s standards, and builds a wall (watch the movie, I’m not explaining my jokes, rum is almost gone) Hogan lets her see this…

Yeah, that’s Hogan wearing less than he does in the ring sweating and doing push ups. This is obviously what the fans wanted to see. Ugh. Blah blah blah, skip ahead. So Zeus beats the crap out of Rip’s brother, and he…oh wait…I didn’t mention him either? Not important, as soon as he appears on screen you know he’s just there to get beat up. Basically Zeus puts him in the hospital, giving Hulk Hogan a chance to display some of his wide array of acting skills.

His brother being injured is enough for Rip to accept Wayne’s World’s offer of a fight with Zeus on The Battle of the Tough Guys. I wonder what Vince thought of that? I mean he screwed over Bret Hart because he was afraid that he may show up at WCW with the WWF Title. Here, his top guy is in an ADVERTISED MAIN EVENT, WORKING FOR HIS COMPETITION. Anyways we get to the match, Hogan’s girlfriend gets kidnapped by Wayne’s World’s thugs, but escapes by walking out the door…literally, she just leaves. Rip is getting his ass beat by Zeus and his brother looks like this the whole fight.

That image just makes me laugh…don’t know why. Anyways the fight goes on and…well honestly, I can’t say much. The fight is pretty well done. It even has a nice false finish thrown in. The REAL end of the match was pretty legendary, as Rip knocks Zeus off a balcony, into the ring, destroying the mat and sending Zeus straight through to the floor. Now Hogan can get his revenge on Wayne’s World’s, but Wayne’s World’s just kind of accidentally electricutes himself…wow. Clumsy. Imagine if he had accidentally done this earlier in the movie, there would be no movie. Dumb ass. Anyways, the crowd cheers for getting to see the death of a man, possibly two men because Zeus could have died from the bump he took. Everyone is happy, Rip’s brother can SOMEHOW now walk again, Hogan gets the girl and everyone lives happily ever after, hoping that there will never be a sequel. Rip closes the movie the only way he knows how.

Wow. This movie…is BAD. Fortunately, it’s BLATANTLY bad. With the WWE re-release of this movie they promoted it as being blatantly bad. I thought they were just saying that to cover their asses and try to make a few bucks off dusting off a turd. Truth is, I don’t think they could have possibly been serious when they made this movie. It’s goofy as hell, totally cheesy and pretty childish at points. What it isn’t though, is boring. This is another fun movie. The goofiness is it’s charm, and I have a blast watching it. It was really rare to see a wrestler in a movie, and even more rare to see a wrestler in a wrestling movie. This was the Holy Grail of sorts, as you had the WWF Champion at the time, in a movie playing the role of the WWF Champion. Pretty cool. It even led to some pretty big things…

That picture is not from the movie. Zeus and Hulk Hogan actually had a feud on WWF TV in the summer and fall of 1989. Yeah, the matches weren’t masterpieces, but watch the main event of SummerSlam 89 and tell me when the last time you’ve seen a crowd go THAT wild during a WWE show that was not called Wrestlemania. Bottom line is, I recommend this movie. Call it 8 out of 10. It’s cheesy as hell, but if you grew up a wrestling fan then this is a part of your childhood, and a movie that influenced a large chunk of WWF Programming during one of the hottest times in wrestling history. I’d check it out, have a laugh. I guarantee you’ll be doing the Rip taunt for weeks after seeing it. No more typing, see ya all on August 3rd. I need a drink.

July 6th…it’ll be The End of an Era when I square off with Mega Man one on one…I really don’t need to say anything more that hasn’t already been said, so we’ll get to business.

DRINKO’S DRUNKEN REVIEWS III: Things I HATE, in Games I LOVE

Ok, my first two reviews were movies based on video games. Let me simply say, this monthly or…however often I can think of something to write about column will not just be a monthly movie review, it’ll be a variety of things from media and entertainment. The first two just happened to be movies. This one will almost be a series of mini reviews, which may bring bad and/or good memories up for people, and maybe even lead some people to some video games they’ve never played and may want to check out. I think the title speaks for itself, so let’s get going.

The Secret of Mana: Your mom is a fuckin’ tree

If someone says SPOILER ALERT I say “Fuck you, this game is 20 years old.” Yeah, yeah and Darth Vader is Luke’s father…by the way, considering that the prequels have been released and logically kids now a days would likely watch the entire Star Wars saga starting with Episode I, do you realize that Darth Vader being Luke’s father would no longer being a shocking film moment for first time viewers now? Only Luke would be surprised…whoa, tangent…not good, because I just started this shit.

Secret of Mana kicks ass. It’s like a hybrid of Zelda and traditional Squaresoft (Square Enix) RPGs. It’s got great music, great colorful graphics, a pretty solid story and a great pace, where throughout the entire game there really are no slow points. But it get’s weird toward the end. After meeting the sacred Mana Tree it is revealed to you that a legendary knight that you’ve been hearing about throughout your quest is actually your father..Ok, that’s pretty cool. Then the next thing the Mana Tree tells you is that…it’s your mother. What…the fuck….? Great dad fucked a tree…fantastic. Ok, it’s explained that she is from a tribe in which the women become trees later in life but still…pretty dumb.Why not just meet your mother for the first time as a human who’s standing in front of the Mana Tree? Or how bout, you really don’t need to know who your mother is since she dies 18 seconds later anyways?! We never found out who Crono’s father was…because it didn’t matter…Ugh…anyways the Mana Fortress destroys the Tree shortly after so now your mom is a tree stump. Congratulations and FTF

Red Dead Redemption: Farming missions and Jack Marston

Ok, I won’t spoil this one since the game isn’t that old. The game Red Dead Redemption follows former outlaw John Marston on his quest to live his dream, which was likely some advice he got from Golden Gig Champion Guile. He wants to go home and be a family man. He’s forced to work for the government who are holding his family hostage to insure that Marston will cooperate. This game is a fuckin’ masterpiece, but here’s the problem, once you’ve taken down all the bad guys and get your family back, the game doesn’t end. You get to do some family man missions, which are REALLY exciting things like “drive the carriage to the other ranch” and “let’s herd cattle.” Ugh. It does all climax with an incredible final family mission, but afterwards you take over playing the game as John’s son Jack, and he’s nowhere near as cool as John.

Goldeneye 007: THIS fuckin’ level. 
Goldeneye 007 is a timeless classic, one that completely redefined FPS games. In fact, without Goldeneye there may have never been a Halo, CoD, Bioshock, Metroid Prime or…a bunch of others, fuck it. No more listing. Anyways…this level. It’s a really fun level, but there is a HUGE logic gap in the objectives. One of your objectives is to “Minimalize Scientist Casualities.” That’s fine, there are other levels like this in the game, except that your final objective is to BLOW UP THE FUCKING BASE. You see, you’ve gotta make sure those scientists get that final 4 minutes of their lives in, it’s important. The worst thing is, sometimes a scientist will RUN INTO THE LINE OF FIRE, and you will lose the mission because this highly educated scientific genius used all his brainpower to deduce that the best way to save himself from the evil secret agent shooting everyone, would be to run straight into where he is shooting…genius.

Oh you’ve built up a character to a high level, and now they can carry the whole team? Yeah, you just wasted your time…- Final Fantasy VII and multiple other games.

Aeris in Final Fantasy VII, the girl we all knew Cloud was gonna end up banging at the end, likely in between tit banging Tifa. She’s a pretty good character, who can heal the whole party and basically make your team unbeatable. Probably the most useful character in the game, aside from maybe Cloud. Well guess what…she dies. Yep…and not like Mario dies, where he get’s extra lives and comes back, or you use a Phoenix Down and she’s back or a Life Spell, no…SHE’S FUCKIN’ DEAD. So, if you’ve poured hours into making her an incredibly strong character, you just wasted your time because she’s done for the rest of the game. But atleast you’ve got Cloud right? No, fuck you says this game. A few hours later, you lose him for a while and now you are left with a group of characters you rarely use to fight off, like…the Omega fuckin’ Weapon of Doom or some shit while Cloud sits in the hospital looking like Terri Schiavo. Good luck fucker, may as well reset your game and count the 15 hours you just lost as experience. That’s pretty bad, but it can be WORSE…

OH…you spent 50 hours on this game? FUCK YOU – Final Fantasy VIII
I just discovered this one, and this is utter BULL SHIT. I like Final Fantasy VIII. It’s different than most of the others, but it’s still good. But here’s something that is just a giant FUCK YOU to everyone. You fight Sorceress Adel on a flying fortress called the Lunatic Pandora. She would be one of the hardest bosses in the game just on her power alone. Oh, but she’s also got Rinoa, one of your party members strapped to her chest. She’s draining her life away and using it to heal herself. If Rinoa dies, it’s Game Over. If you use moves that effect more than one person on the screen, like magic spells that strike everyone…you can kill Rinoa yourself and it’s Game Over. Adel is extremely powerful, and also uses Ultima which is one of the strongest spells in the entire game, and can kill your entire party all at once, and also, Magic spells do next to 0 damage to her. So what do you do? You obviously aren’t ready for this fight. Maybe you could save the game and instead of fighting the boss, fight more enemies to raise your levels. NOPE can’t do that because all the enemies in this part of the game only give out 1 or 2 EXPs, so that’s pointless. It would make sense to take your airship out, and find enemies to kill that offer more EXPs, but NOPE you can’t do that because your airship must be wrecked to even get to this point in the game. It’s not like you could really get better weapons either. In this game you don’t just buy or find weapons like EVERY OTHER FINAL FANTASY, instead you need to find rare items and have them forged onto your weapon. You could perhaps find some of these items at this part in the game, but even if you did, you can’t get to a store to have them forged into a stronger weapon because your ship is wrecked. You basically are screwed as soon as you saved the game here because once you save, you’re stuck here, you can’t leave. And when you aren’t strong enough to advance in the game, you’re fucked. You may think, “Ok, I just won’t save.” How would you know that the first time through? Plus, there are three boss fights before the Adel fight, so you’d want to save just in case. Wouldn’t want to lose like an hour of work…well guess what. You just wasted about 50 hours of work, because if you save here…you are fucked. You lose, start over…maybe you’ll get back to this point in a month or so. This would be acceptable in a game like Contra maybe, where at most a playthrough takes like 15 minutes. But in a FOUR DISC EPIC RPG, this type of stuff is fuckin’ inexcusable.

Oh, and speaking of cheap bosses…fuck all these assholes down here

And now for the main event…

Metal Gear Solid 2: What….the….fuck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ul8j9I90ueM

Ok. This one, I actually like a lot, EXCEPT for the first time I experienced it. You are playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and are reaching the end of the game. You’ve uploaded a virus into the computer system, but are shortly after captured. You get free but are running around naked, obviously unarmed and with guards everywhere. The Colonel calls you…and shit gets way weird. Watch the video, everytime he radios you, and it’s ALL THE TIME just to make it even creppier, he says one of the things he says in one of the multiple radio convo clips in the video. It’s fucking weird. No, here’s why I really REALLY hated this the first time I played it. I had only been living on my own for maybe a year at this time. I had just bought this game and had hooked up my PS2 in my bedroom in my apartment. I always used to sleep on my couch, so just being in my bedroom was a weird experience. I got totally hooked on this game and was playing for hours, literally maybe 10 straight at this time, so when he mentioned how long I was playing the game at this point…it was creepy, and of course it was like 2 am and I was alone and in the dark, with the volume WAY up…and….gimmicked up, shall we say also. Metal Gear Solid always has a scene on two in each of the games where the game almost tries to break you mentally, but for me…this one worked. The idea was that the Colonel was actually part of an AI, and by loading the virus into the computer system, you loaded a virus into the Colonel’s AI, making him say crazy stuff. Anyways, I saved the game, turned it off and continued it the next morning…and oh yeah, didn’t sleep for shit. It’s not super scary, I know. But at the time, it was a total perfect storm of all kinds of uncomfortable elements all hitting me at the same time, and I did not like it. Now though, I’ll check out the clip on YouTube every now and again to get a chuckle. If you’ve played this game, I guarantee you remember this part. Your eyes got big and your butthole got tight didn’t it?

In conclusion though, I would recommend all of these games. I actually thought of a bunch more but maybe I’ll save them for a later date. I know this one is way different than my previous reviews, so if people don’t like this one, maybe I’ll forget them. In any event, I’m getting another drink, and see all you fucking fucks on July the 6th…

5/25/2012 –

All I’m going to say about last Hoodslam is fuck Mega Man…and Zangief…and Sagat….and my brother….and the Pink Panther….and the fans, with my wiener. Ok time for business.

Drinko’s Drunken Review II: SUPER MARIO BROS. THE MOVIE

Yeah, remember being a kid and hearing that they were making a Super Mario movie? You shit your pants didn’t you? I know I did, I even kept the pants. This was gonna kick ass right….yeah, except…fuck. Anyways, let’s start with the fantastic job of casting that they did with this movie shall we? First off, our two main characters are two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn. Naturally, as the Mario brothers they cast Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. Yeah, an Englishman and a Puerto Rican. Great start movie.

Ok, I admit. Bob Hoskins does kick ass, and really was a great choice to play Mario. Had the right look, and seemed to have the right voice for the part. Remember this is before Super Mario 64 came around and made Mario sound like Mickey Mouse, all we really had to work with was Captain Lou Albano’s portrayal of Mario. Good choice, lets see what else they do…

Man….GREAT choice. No mustache. HOW THE FUCK DOES LUIGI NOT HAVE A MUSTACHE. He’s also not significantly taller than Mario. MAYBE by an inch, maybe. That was the whole gimmick, Mario was short and fat, Luigi was tall and…well less fat. Oh and guess what. Leguizamo doesn’t act at all. He’s just being John Leguizamo. Hey, I like John Leguizamo, but….fuck. It’s like they just told him to be himself, fuck it, the kids won’t know the difference…UGH. Ok, let’s see how they cast the almighty King Koopa AKA Bowser.

……………….ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!!? Again, Dennis Hopper is fucking awesome but WHY THE FUCK IS HE KING KOOPA?! And don’t tell me they couldn’t do it with the technology, bull shit. This was after the TMNT movies, the technology was there. You know what…I know, here’s what they should have done for King Koopa…

There…way better. Took me 3 minutes and the Paint program and I put more thought and effort into casting this part than the producers of this movie did. Anyways, the characters look like shit, but I bet most of the classic props are here right? Like the classic Mario Mushroom? Let’s see how they did…

Wow…feel like you’re playing the game yet? I mean seriously, everything looks so much like the game that I keep thinking I forgot to turn off my SNES or something…..JESUS CHRIST, FUCK THIS MOVIE. Ok….lets get this shit over with.

The movie starts with a shitty animated sequence explaining that dinosaurs got killed by a meteor and WHAT IF the meteor split our dimensions creating a human world and dinosaur world. Then it shows an egg hatching and a baby coming out…a human one. Ok. We then find out that the Mario Bros are two broke ass plumbers from Brooklyn and then they meet Daisy, the chick who hatched from the egg (Yeah, I’m skipping alot, but again, fuck you…you watch it). Daisy is the key to merging the universes and yadda yadda yadda Koopa wants to take over the world, but he needs a a meteorite piece that Daisy wears as a necklace which they constantly refer to as “the rock” (really wanna have fun, everytime they mention the rock pretend they are talking about Dwayne Johnson). Koopa has been kidnapping women in Brooklyn, trying to find Daisy, but had only been successful in kidnapping the 1994 cast of the Jersey Shore. The Mario brothers get the rock but it gets taken away by the Pine-Sol lady and then they get arrested. They are trying to escape from Koopa’s Tower and…wait….

WHAT THE FUCK?! Ugh…ok….fuck it, the Mario Brothers win, they set up something that would lead to a sequel, but this movie BOMBED so the sequel never happened. THE END.

Ok…this movie is pretty bad, but it has some fun moments. Dennis Hopper is always cool even though he’s a man playing the role of A FIRE BREATHING TURTLE. He’s a fun heel, but he’s basically in the same role that he would later be in in Land of the Dead, which coincidently also saw him living in a giant tower, AND starred John Leguizamo (god I hope I’m spelling his name right…). The things that bothered me a lot about this movie mostly was that they basically put the Mario brothers in a world that they never EVER were in during the games. No castles, very few of the classic enemies, no Koopa kids, Bowser was a FUCKING HUMAN, no fire flowers or invincibilty stars, no LAVA and no Princess Toadstool. Yeah, the Princess we all grew up saving…not in the movie. And yeah, I know Daisy was in the Game Boy games, but she was hardly as well known. Plus, when you do a storyline where the King is turned to fungus, WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU USE A PRINCESS NAMED TOADSTOOL. I guess she was booked somewhere else…But wait, here’s something I noticed that pissed me off…

This is one of the kidnapped girls in Koopa’s Tower…she look like she could pass for someone? Yeah, why didn’t they just make her Toadstool?! I don’t care if she’s just an extra, so what. I bet she could act well enough. Daisy is HORRIBLE in this movie. Like bad, really bad…like…Shaq bad.

In conclusion, I’d say that this movie is pretty bad, but there are some clever subtle lines thrown in there. I do chuckle when Mario says “Let’s hit the bricks.” Get it…? Plus Koopa’s de-evolve gun in just a black Super Scope 6, which is pretty funny also. It’s not boring, but there’s a lot of stuff in here that had nothing to do with Mario Brothers. This is a pretty bad video game movie, and yeah, most of them suck, but Super Mario Brothers is THE franchise in video games, so if one would be good, it would be this one. But it’s very BLAH. I give it 5/10. I have no way to finish this article, so I will just say BYE.