January 6th, Oakland Metro
The show began with its usual glory and wonder. The band, Taint Thinner, played an inspiring rendition of the main theme to the film Terminator 2, as Ike Burner made his entrance whilst climbing the ladder in an awkward yet stoic fashion. He introduced us to our commentary team, the JuggalOG Kevin Gill and should be Tough Enough Winner AJ Kirsch, and we got things going!
Johnny Cage was the first to make an entrance this Hoodslam, and he was a bit peeved. After sharing some disparaging words with the audience, the quickly turned from emoting feelings of adoration to vulgar disdain. However, he was respectably unfettered until the familiar drum of Bill Coldbeer’s music filled the Opera house like so much Marijuana smoke. The chants of Coldbeer soon followed, and then the man himself appeared to a gladiators welcome. The two warriors locked horns, and after hitting a scrotum shattering split punch, Johnny Cage seemed to have victory at hand! He tested his might, but soon found that Coldbeer was mighty mighty himself, and in the end Cage was defeated with the Spear and Jackhammer!
COLDBEER defeated JOHNNY CAGE
The James Gang then made their way to the ring, as Drugs Bunny was set to take on Lucha Magnifico! Fellow members Stoney Montana and James watched from ringside as Lucha and Drugs made quick work of zig zagging and flip’n flying across the ring. Lucha Magnifico’s lucha libre expertise is usually enough to blow up the swiftest of athletes, but the cocaine and amphetamine infused adrenal glands of Drugs Bunny (coupled with stereotypically fast bunny speed) allowed the James Gang member to keep up with his mexican adversary! Drugs continued to impress in his first solo Hoodslam match, but Lucha would rally back and seem to have victory in his grasp, but Stoney Montana seized the opportunity to cheat. When the time was right, he threw a handful of cocaine into the masked face of Lucha Magnifico, temporarily leaving him disoriented and feeling awesome. Drugs was able to capitalize, and defeated the luchador with his signature Cokeslam.
DRUGS BUNNY defeated LUCHA MAGNIFICO
James then took this time to call out Villano 420 to the ring. See, he was mad, see, ’cause Villano 420 attacked James last event and cut the sacred dreads from the old school gangsters head. The James Gang has made it their goal to crush Villano 420 since then, but have pretty much hated everyone in a mask. The music of the Villano Crime Family answered his call, but only Super Red Rhino 2099, the right hand man and best friend of Villano 420 emerged. He brought news, which had to be interpeted by the OG Kevin Gill and AJ Kirsch (tough enough). The news was this: Villano 420 could not fight this fight, for the Don Villano, founder of the Villano Crime Family, had recalled him to Mexico. No other information is available at this time, but it was visible that Super Red Rhino 2099 was just as surprised and clearly depressed about the turn of events. As he left, James continued to bad mouth Villano 420, and the Crime Family. The wild cybernetic Super Red Rhino 2099 eventually heard enough, and charged back into the ring to attack all three. He put up a valiant effort, and seemed to have Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny nullified, but it was at that moment that James struck, and the effects were effective.
JAMES, STONEY MONTANA, & DRUGS BUNNY defeated SUPER RED RHINO 2099
The next match was a battle of respect. The Street Fighters had come back to Hoodslam, and had won the December Street Fighter Tournament in a very strong showing. Now they wanted to rub it in, and try and add insult to the defeat. RYU, BLANKA, CAMMEY, ZANGIEF, & MEGA MAN have formed this new CAPCOM coallition, and they began with some rough words. First, RYU verbally attacked his opponent JOHNNY DRINKO BUTABI, who he would challenge in the main event for the GOLDEN GIG (a right he earned by winning the Street Fighter Tournament). As Mega Man noddingly approved his every word, the music of the HOODSLAMMERS hit, and the match was soon underway! Otis the Gimp, Juiced Lee, and wise and all knowing Banana fought Zangief, Blanka, and Mega Man in about an exciting a match as one could imagine! The fans, despite no-doubt being sore from all the fucking, were exceptionally audible, and this three on three elimination match did not leave them wanting! The CAPCOM rules proved to be no learning curve for the aerially amazing Juiced Lee, the sexually deviant Otis the Gimp, nor the soft in body but hard in spirit Banana, and team Hoodslam brought home the “W”! (win, for those of you who don’t read the sports page)
JUICED LEE, OTIS THE GIMP, BANANA defeated ZANGIEF, BLANKA, & MEGA MAN
Following the excitement that everyone just shared, you’d think everyone would be elated for the HOODSLAM win! But there were at least FOUR people upset, the first to vocally express it was Anthony Butabi! Despite being a fan favorite, and part of the legendary Butabi wrestling family, he had seen better days. He wasn’t upset that Hoodslam won, he was upset that he wasn’t involved. Much like the show before, when he wasn’t involved in the Street Fighter Tournament. Rasta Mysterio made his way to the ring, and expressed similar remorse. The two have also been depressed when they both learned that neither of them were the father of the baby they had both fought vicious battles for. Without family or work, both were left empty. This is when Sal Lundy and Grand Master G, the feminist hating members of the group No Ma’am, made their entrance. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing, two men crying about a woman, about a baby, blah blah blah they said! Words were exchanged, their was a raising of the ire, and soon the match was on.
NO MA’AM defeated ANTHONY BUTABI & RASTA MYSTERIO
The match was competitive, but the team of Rasta and Anthony were no match for No Ma’am, who truly worked as family. After being defeated, No Ma’am sent a message out to Hoodslam of their own! They also were upset about being left out of the big picture, being skipped over, being looked over, and they sent a challenge to any Hoodslammer in the back who wanted to try and take their spot! The challenge was soon answered.
COLDBEER defeated NO MA’AM
The chants were only louder this time, the entrance more epic. No Ma’am, perhaps exhausted from just competing, never could get on the same page, and Coldbeer was able to take a quick win and extend his undefeated streak. After the match, Grand Master G swore revenge, said that No Ma’am would only come back meaner and stronger. But when he looked to Sal Lundy for further plans, Sal had nothing to say. Finally, after Grand Master G badgered him enough, he said simply, softly, and a bit sadly, that he would go home, and go sell some shoes. He left the ring, grabbed his things, and left. Thus far, no word has been heard of either members of No Ma’am.
The next match came out of the gate and didn’t stop till the three count. DARK Sheik took on James of the James Gang. James was looking to avenge his only loss in Hoodslam, a loss he blames primarily on Villano 420′s interference. But in an attempt to savor the name of his gang, he challenged the Sheik one on one. Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny were of course close by, and when the opportunity arose the two would attack viciously. The DARK Sheik, now twice dead, fought back as one would expect from that type (you know…foreigners). The two were unleashing some serious violence in the ring, but the decider was the crazy ass piledriver that James was able to hit DARK Sheik with. He was able to pick up a convincing win, and avenge his only loss in the Hoodslam records.
JAMES defeated DARK SHEIK
Next up, Francine DEAD! One of our favorite performers, and one we ask to come back because its what the people want! I could go on and on about the sexy curves, the dangerous fire, the hypnotizing movements…but if you’re not there, you just don’t know. And you’ll die sad. So sad. Thanks to her, check out Francine DEAD on facebook and see if maybe you can make your life mean something again.
After that bunch of awesome, a familiar cast came to the ring. Doc Atrocity, Zombie Gorilla Vinny Butabi, Mathea II, their baby, and a nurse filled the landscape and addressed the crowd. Mathea II was upset with the turn of events that have led to her zombie two headed baby being somewhat fatherless. Zombie Vinny, who fathered the baby of Mathea II while she was also banging Rasta Mysterio and the living members of his adopted family Anthony and Johnny Drinko Butabi, has had some rough luck lately. We all know about how after becoming the adopted brother of the Butabi’s he had his heart ripped out by Juiced Lee and then was turned into a zombie by Reverend Helfyre. But after fathering a child, he was injected with some green stuff Doc Atrocity came up with that made him tame enough to be the Doc’s tag partner, which led to a battle with intergalactic aliens Lobstron the Decimator and Gworlok the Obliterator last November. After defeating them, they were crowned the new intergalactic space tag team champions of the galaxy or something. But their belts were breathing and making noises, so they relinquished them. In the process, Zombie Vinny accidentally hatched one of the eggs on the title, which hatched a alien baby something that latched onto his face, then the scurried off somewhere into the Metro Operahouse. Zombie Vinny, now infected with an alien virus threatening to destroy his body, had his brain switched with that of a gorilla. The gorilla body with a zombie-alien diseased brain is…somewhere, i guess…but the decaying carcass of Zombie Vinny Butabi, now with an alien free gorilla brain, is now what Doc Atrocity has been dragging around, and is what’s left to raise the child of Mathea II. So that’s why she’s angry at Doc. The zombie gorilla vinny thing was angry at Doc. Doc could not please either, and as Mathea II stormed off with the baby, Zombie Vinny Gorillafuck must have felt some paternal remnants, for his anger at his inability to be a father turned into hate for Doc Atrocity, and the two did battle.
And it was quite a battle. Although the two had teamed for the past four months, it was apparent that their friendship was tenuous at best! The two fought tooth and nail across the entire metro, including a special barely seen brawl in the bathroom! In the end, it appeared that Doc Atrocity had the battle won, but as is tradition in Hoodslam, there was a twist! While attempting to light a table on fire in the ring, Doc Atrocity took his eyes off his opponent, and Vinny was able to surprise him with a chokeslam through a somewhat fiery table, and surprisingly defeat the twisted Doctor!
GORILLA ZOMBIE VINNY BUTABI defeated DOC ATROCITY
Once the carnage had been cleared, the Stoner Bros made their way to the ring, reunited. They explained to the crowd that they had been having issues as a team, but they attributed the problems to the poor leadership of Villano 420. Now they they had left the Villano Crime Family, they were ready to move forward and get back to doing what they do best: smoking blunts and kicking ass. They were interrupted by the lyrical leprachaun from the hoodslam HORNSWAGGER, and through the magic of poetry and prose, he rapped to them that he would be taking them on tonight in a tag match! And that his partner was no stranger to the Stoner Brothers, as they were the ones to lock him in a crate back in November’s Thanksgigging Beatings: The Man with the Golden Gig event! Hornswagger had found this confused and angered beast, and upon releasing him the two agreed to take on the twin concussion machines. The band started the song, Courtney Crimson pulled the leash, and El Chupacabra made his return to Hoodslam!
And what a return it was! These four had one of the most physically breath taking matches in the history of ever, including a 12 foot moonsault off the balcony of the Metro! After taking it to the Stoners, the twins eventually got the upperhand, as they always do, with their almost telepathic communication abilities! When they felt the time was right, they went for the most devestating maneuver in hoodslam, the RIZZ BOMB, but upon hitting it on El Chupacabra, Hornswagger was able to capitalize, and snuck a win away for his team!
EL CHUPACABRA & HORNSWAGGER defeated THE STONER BROTHERS
After the match, Scott Rick Stoner (the Bloodslam Bloodking) was verbally abusive to his brother, Rick Scott. He wondered out loud if maybe it WASN’T Villano 420 fucking up, but maybe his own brother. Since October, and the inception of the Golden Gig, Scott Rick has made it a personal quest to win the prize and prove his superiority over the rest of the roster. His frustration to achieve his goal has grown in the passing months, and it truly erupted in front of us, as for the first time he challenged his own brother to a match. The crowd was in a frenzy to see these two do battle, but Rick Scott would have none of it. In the end, a frustrated Scott Rick was left in the ring with only his anger.
Our next bout was the MAIN EVENNNNNTTTT OF THE EVVVVEEENING. RYU, having earned the right to challenge for the Golden Gig by becoming the Street Fighter Tournament, would take on Johnny Drinko Butabi, the champion of Hoodslam. Drinko has never actually beaten an opponent by pinfall or submission, and his only wins at Hoodslam come from battle royal style matches or by referee’s decision. However, he mustered the full multitude of his savvy, and proved why he wears the headband of intelligence. These two fought across the building as well, and even the Oakland Metro could not hold the fury of this bout! The two battled back to the ring, and referee El Sparko, the victim of accidental contact, was left incapacitated. Zangief took this time to interfere behind the referee’s back, despite that their are no real rules in Hoodslam. He delivered a dome crushing piledriver to Drinko, and all hope was lost, but then Anthony Butabi emerged from the locker room and crowd gave him a lionus roar of approval! He laid waste to Zangief, and began to help his brother back to his feet, but Cammey ran into the ring and punched him in the dick. The three street fighters began to attack Drinko once more, but then POOH JACK, with his honeypot full of weapons, fucked shit up. He and Zangief, who hates bears, brawled to the backstage area, and once more we were left with RYU and Drinko, face to face. The two charged, exchanged a flurry of offense, and Drinko got the advantage, holding RYU down for the pin! But then Pink Panther, the Official Senior Official, did that thing he did, and RYU became the Golden Gig Champion of Hoodslam. I’d write what he did, but you probably should have just bought a ticket.
Hoodslam, sad that CAPCOM emerged victorious and is now in possession of the Golden Gig, is still optimistic for the future. The next show is February 3rd, the first friday of the month, and Hoodslam will continue to be the first friday of every month until never. We would like to thank all the performers, the fans, the Oakland Metro, Francine Dead, Displayed Labors Sideshow, Devil Mountain Wrestling in Martinez, SlammedFan (which is on facebook/twitter/etc!), and everyone else who made this great event possible.
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donotbringyourfnkids !